The scale

I locked my scale in the closet.  I tend to have a bit of an obsessive personality.  For example, I love watching TV shows on DVD.  But I can't watch just 1 episode at a time.  Often, I'll watch 5, 6, 7, or 8 episodes at a time (shorter ones, of course).  So I have become very obsessive about the scale.

I always weigh myself first thing when I get up... and then 5 minutes later to see if things changed.  Any time I'm in the upstairs bathroom, I'll hop on.  I always weigh myself a few times before bed because usually the scale is 2 pounds heavier at night than what I can expect in the morning.

When I hit my plateau, starting a few weeks ago, the scale became a constant obsession, even more than before.  I'd hop on every chance I got to see if anything... ANYTHING changed.

Have you ever been so reliant on something like that?  If the number was higher than I thought it should be, the effect it had on my mood was tremendous.  I have been using this number to measure my self worth.  I hate that.  But I still do it.

The number on the scale is a seemingly easy way to show progress, right?

Wrong.

I'm still making crazy progress without the number budging.  I've increased my cardio abilities since trying to break out of this plateau.  I used to be able to climb on the StairMaster for about 15 minutes, 20 if I really pushed myself but that was often approaching what felt like death.  In the past two weeks, I've pushed myself to work up towards 40 minutes with some pretty high intervals.

It helps to type that out and see it.  I'm actually really proud of that.

Tonight I joined a few friends for dinner.  I didn't plan ahead to see what I was getting.  I allowed myself to get not just one, but two glasses of wine.  I ate my entire meal.  And it felt great.

Normally I would worry about what the scale would say in the morning.  Of course, this thought is in the back of my mind.  But knowing that the scale is locked away in the closet helps.  I can't guarantee that I won't pull it out in a fit of panic this week when I feel too disconnected from the number and just HAVE to know it.  But for now, in this moment, I'm content and learning to just live with the number.

That's a really hard thing to do.